Something You Seek

Hello there.

It's been such a long time. Nearly 4 months huh.

Don't really know how to keep all this in.

1. I broke up with Sarah.

I think that's mainly what's affecting me. I've never felt this affected before. I think it's because I've always expected so much out of our relationship. Guess it came to a point where I realized, or we realized, we were really not that good of a match.

I think it's true when they say, life hits you harder when you're down.

I cried again. In camp. I think it was caz of the problems that came from work. Somehow it just affected me so much. And then it got worse after a bunch of us got scolded. Then I started thinking of all the bad stuff that I'm going through. Comments people made about me. Things my parents said to me. Words I've heard but still smiled anyway. I guess I just didn't know why I could be so happy all the time.

So all these happened, and then I broke down. Then of course I tried to fight it, but, as you would know, the harder you try to fight your tears, it's gonna come back at you 10 times harder. I think.

They also say, "all you have to do is just stand up."

That's what I've been telling friends who were upset. I thought it'd be easy. After all, everyone has their sob stories. But I think what I need to hear isn't that. I think it's telling me how to "stand up". That's something substantial.

I can predict the next few lines. They'll be something like, "no one can help you but yourself." "You're the strongest person you've known." "No one's gonna love you as much as you love yourself. "

Now that I think about it, they really sound stupid. Because I feel like such a mess. I never felt more discouraged. Because now sleeping and stoning really doesn't work for me anymore.

I need some alcohol. Lots of alcohol actually. I need nicotine. I need people to just be beside me. Y'know. Not really talk to me. But, physically be there. Just let me be quiet.

I think I might just wanna drink and pass out. But I can't. My parents might just kill me first.

My parents. I love them but, idk.

I've really never felt worse.

Wanted to share this on twitter. But I guess it'll make me look like an attention seeking mother fucking whore.

Ah well.