Hey youuuuu guyyyysss. Just a warning, looooong emotional post.
I've just realized how crucial this part of my life will be.
And to be honest. I'm really really scared. Because I see people keeping their distance from me. Friends.
It's funny caz, I'm usually the one who walks away.
It's not nice to see friends leaving. You know what the worst part is? I saw it coming. All of it.
I probably deserve it. I feel helpless. People who were close to me know how much I hate fucking hate feeling helpless. I always NEED some kinda control. Or at least feel like I'm in control.
Most of you (in fact, maybe even all of you) don't know how misguided I am. When I say I like being led by others/ moving along with others, I mean it.
People who go out with me know how I hate walking in front. I'm always holding on to someone or walking beside them. If I do end up in front somehow, I'm always looking back. And I'll wait.
I've always told friends how I felt towards people with lots of insecurities. I dislike people telling me how insecure they are about certain stuff. Good friends actually know that I'm one of the most insecure person EVER. The reason why I hate reassuring people is that I can't reassure myself properly in the first place. I guess? If that makes sense.
Hence, I always seek comfort in very superficial stuff. Clothes. Looks. Etc. Stuff that I actually feel like I have some control over. All that ego talk about how I'm the most gorgeous person alive. How other guys cannot compare etc. It's all BULLSHIT. I'm just saying it to make myself feel better.
In fact, I do it sooo much. I'm starting to sound convincing.
Yeaaaa, it's tired letting people in and out of your lives. And then you have people sounding ULTRA confident about how they're self-sufficient, like me, let me just tell you 8 out of 10 of these people are lying. Including me.
I love having people around me. Who doesn't? Yes, I do enjoy some alone-time. But yea, I like friends.
Which explains why I got myself a diary. Caz it replaces friends.
Yes this is Alice. And yes I do hug her to sleep sometimes. She's like a Horcrux. (sorry for the Harry Potter reference)
I mean can't you all tell by the number of retarded blogposts I wrote. Like I'm always scared of what people think and how people are gonna leave me?
SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. (I really sighed when I typed that)
And you guys actually know I REALLY MEAN IT when I say thank you for reading all my shit. Because sometimes, it really gets so tough.
You see how ironic this is? Because I'm always telling people off. "Stop being such a weak person. And get a grip. And just go with it."
But the person who needs it most, is actually me. I've always wondered why no one's been harsh on me though.
Kay so honestly. People who hate me or whatever. Just fuck off.
People who know me also know how I don't care about stuff that don't matter to me. If I'm making an effort to maintain a relationship, be it talking or asking you out, I really want stuff to work out.
If you want otherwise, then just stop talking to me. Really. It's better for me. As in once I get the message. Imma get the fuck out of your life before you even know it.
Caz if I don't mean shit to you, I don't want you in my life either. Straight forward and simple.
If you're still reading this. I don't know how you're doing it. But really. From the fucking bottom of my heart. Thanks.
And just for you, (something I've never done before) I'm gonna share a bit of something I wrote. In my diary.
It's my first diary post actually. Word for word. Pretty hilarious now that I'm reading back.
"24th Sept 2009
DAWN
Ok. I have no idea how to start writing, but, I guess, I've already started. This is amazing, like, I never thought of owning a daybook in such a long time. I have so much to share! Since, I can't find anyone to relate to, everyone's so busy with their lives etc. I'm gonna treat this daybook like a, real person, you're gonna be called Alice!
If you're reading this and you're not me, leave it or return it to me. Or I'll fucking beat you. Thanks. No offense.
It's so so so good to be penning all these thoughts down. I really, don't know where to start from. it still feels weird though, writing to a book. I mean, in a book. The ink-smudging is irritating me!
And if, you're still reading this and you're really not me, just stop reading. Infringement of privacy = bad.
And I think I'm just becoming better, like more appreciative? Idk. I'm starting to think that life isn't so bad. We just gotta fix our perspectives."
Yeap. That's part of the first post.
I sound soooo young.
Ah well. Going to the army! Soon. People don't even know why I dread going to the army so much. I'm just really scared. Not of NS itself. More of everything else.
Do you know how scared I am? Do you? DO YOU????????????
Links are at <----- (somewhere above) the sidebar. Have fun with them. Not too much though. Just a few clicks. Not that it's not gonna get you anywhere, but hey, it kills time. I'm just kidding, don't bother clicking them.
