Well, It Must Be Difficult Being So Gorgeous.

Hi guys.

As you can see, I haven't really made this post public. I mean, like, I haven't posted it on facebook or twitter or whatever. Mainly caz it's just for me. Or maybe even for people who really care. I mean I know this blog prolly doesn't get a lot of loyal readers. I mean, afterall, I'm not the type who updates every single day. So if you're reading this, really wanna thank you from the deepest darkest (okay maybe not darkest) bottom of my heart. If you happened to see this by luck, then... Good for you. Or maybe not so good. Depending on how you see it. Hahah.

I'm not really going to make this an official one or whatever. Just needed some kinda of platform to lay my thoughts out. So, 2011 started. And I really thought it'd be a good year. But somehow I just got propelled into this mountain of shit. Really bad start.

So what's basically going on in my life, is just... I don't really know how to describe it. It's like almost how I felt a year ago. Before I created this blog. Very lost and stuff. Just living every day as it is. I don't usually do very personal/emotional blogposts, but I really need to set some sort of direction.

Remember how I started out saying I had 4 main reasons for setting up this blog? Sharing random shit with you guys, "networking/final year project", self-improvement and making new friends.

Yea sure, I've shared some random shit with you guys. I've made new friends (probably not through this blog). But self-improvement? It's rather hilarious how after all these time I thought I'm changing for the better, but now that I've looked back. I've turned out to be quite the douchebag that I never thought I'd be. It's like I kinda sidetracked a lot halfway through. I'm doing fucking retarded shit that destroys me. I've given up on my academics. I've lost track of my goals. It's like I don't even know what I'm trying to do anymore.

So I've heard I come across as an "act-cool" dude to others. Yea, maybe that's what I'm doing. Acting cool. I'm not cool. Maybe it's caz I've got so caught up in maintaining some kind of image I THOUGHT I had. "Narcissistic to the point of near delusion." Probably the best description of me. Self indulgent too.

I really liked how I sounded so passionate about this blog thing when I started out. I knew I wasn't gonna make it big. Not even close. It's like all the fire inside just died. I don't know why. I didn't even carry out the comic idea.

But you have to understand, people just don't get it. I mean, I know myself best. I just really need someone to listen. Or maybe I don't, because sometimes I don't even feel like talking to people. So people see me being quiet all the time. "stoning" as they would call it. I'm not stoning. I just can't tell how people I feel. They don't know how it's like to be me. I'm not some kind of natural at this. A lot of people have awesome PR skills. They talk to people so easily. I can't. I have to act like I can do it. It's all these fake confidence that you get from me. Because now I realize, I'm not a confident guy. If people tell me, "yea totally getz how you feel man." when they actually don't. It breaks me.

So now I really miss the guy who was typing on this very space many months ago. When he was just quiet, introverted but motivated. A person who wouldn't try for others but himself. A person who had all the time he wanted. A person who'd go for a run to watch the night sky. And now I plead. Please come back. Because you didn't need anyone else but yourself. It's a shame how you wanted people in your life so badly.

It's not a bad thing to shut yourself out from the world. Yes you can explore, but you'd still come back all beaten and bruised. Lesson learnt? Apathy's the way to go.

Now I'm just praying, (and definitely working on) for something to start spinning those shitty-ass cogs in my engine. Some kind of motivation to steer me back into the right direction. Because I really need it now. And fast. Raaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr. It's hard though. I'm gonna eat some cereals now.

How do people balance their lives. It's like impossible that's why I'm not even asking as a question, which explains why there's no question mark. You guys must be freaks. Either that or you're really good actors. Something I've been trying to become.

One thing hasn't changed for sure.. I still have the same 2 pairs of jeans to give out. Hahah. Who wants to win them. You can formspring me or something. Hahah just kidding. but really I want to give those away. So tired now.

As all of the teenagers would say, I wanna sleep forever. That just got me thinking, Isn't that like dying? I don't wanna die. i just wanna rest. Maybe for a few days straight. I want a bird to take me sooo high up into the night sky. Just leave me there floating for days, where there'll be no days, only nights. Then there will only be the accompaniment of stars and the moon. And maybe nice music.

Goodnight guys. Can't believe how long I took to type this.