Harder Than You Know.

I've been thinking of an introduction to this post. For idk, the past 15 mins or so. But idk. I just can't do it. You're going to have to excuse the vulgarities.

Y'know. I've always thought I was a lot of things. Committed, Soft-hearted. Anything you can think of in a perfect boyfriend. But that was my first mistake. I have a fucking huge ego and I'm fairly narcissistic.

Today I proved myself wrong. I broke up with my girlfriend. It's possibly, one of the worst decisions ever. Because, I broke someone's heart. Someone who gladly let me have everything my way. Well.. most of it. But the thing is, she appreciated me.

So now you ask me, what the fuck happened? Because all my life, I just wanted someone who is appreciative. Now that's she's here, I'm letting her go. Reason's simple, I don't even need haters to start flaming me, I'm a huge-ass jerk.

I'm not just that. Some might even call me a bastard. Y'know what, it's true. Main point is, I thought I was ready for something. Something called commitment. I was wrong. In fact, what makes me the epitome of douche-baggery and bad boyfriend-ness is my lack of patience. I'm incapable of constant re-assurance.

I've heard people say stuff, about, how she doesn't deserve me. And that, she's not good enough. You guys are fucking wrong. It's the complete opposite. Because I'm the unworthy one. And then some of you tell me, "Yejing's very very unlucky to get you as her first boyfriend." I have to agree with you.

If you've seen the way I treat her, the stuff I say sometimes, some of you might just flip. And maybe even beat me up.

The reason why I made the decision, was because, I was afraid. I was scared of making the same mistake like I did in the past. I didn't want her to fall deeper into it, giving her false hopes and still crushing it in the end. You can say that I'm not confident of changing myself for her.

I'm really sad caz I know how much she's willing to do for me. Just to please me. And here I am acting like some kinda kid. I just thought maybe it'd be better to end it now, since it might be worse in the future.

The next few days or weeks are probably gonna be sad. Really sad. I don't even dare look through my facebook page or my drawers, just in case y'know, I get all emotional and stuff. I have to warn people who're meeting me. Because I might just break down. And it's not a nice sight.

So for those of you who are here because you care. Thanks a lot. Save the nice comments like, "it's gonna be okay. you can find someone better." I don't deserve it. Yejing does. And for those of you who are here because you're just nosy. Here's what you can do. Fuck off.

I'm sorry. I really am. I'd throw in a sea of vocab to show you how sorry I am.